Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

It was relatable, authentic and easy to read - which is rare in many self-help books. From her own experiences that she shares in the book as well as her grasp of shame and codependency leave no doubt that Darlene is a true expert in this field. Even though this book feels targeted towards people that have a high level of codependency, I feel like it is applicable to everyone, as we all struggle with shame, identity and self esteem in some way or another. Early on in the book, Darlene writes, "Helping people uncover and recover their true self and proudly stand up for who they are, without apology, is what I'm most passionate about." This rings true throughout the book. I feel more aware of who I am, I am more aware of the shame that presses down on me and I feel like I have more permission to be who I am and assert myself. I appreciate how most of the book really dives into the detail of the problem - of identifying shame and exploring codependency so deeply before moving on to the final chapter that contains the "8 Steps to Free Your True Self." Nothing was gimmicky and came across as solid principles that I can work with. For example, here is an excerpt from the final chapter under Step 7: Build Your Self-Esteem: "Being assertive involves risk, which is essential to sharing feelings and communicating needs in a manner that provides empowerment and safety. Essentially, this means taking positions, making requests, setting boundaries, and conveying our own thoughts and feelings without commenting on or evaluating someone else's. Developing our true self and self-esteem also requires taking action by becoming more autonomous:Learning skills, accomplishing goals, and having interests, Supportive friends, and pleasurable hobbies. Easy? No. Gimmicky? No. True? Yes. Here are some other excerpts that really hit home for me: "Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another." (pp 14) "To feel truly loved, we must believe we're accepted for who we are, not who our parents [or anyone else] prefers." (pp 27) "Alone, we feel empty or depressed, so we may be attracted to the enlivening effect of relationships filled with conflict and drama." (pp 30) "Yet, whatever we deny, repress, or suppress doesn't just go away. Instead, unbeknownst to us, it influences our behavior." (pp 51) "Withdrawal doesn't stop our feelings of unworthiness, and we risk being lonely at the cost of comfort and support of close, interdependent relationships." (pp 53) "Once in treatment for my eating disorder, I discovered that dieting, food, and weight were not the issue. I was trying to fill a void that food could not possibly touch - soul hunger." (pp 82) "If the deepest despair is the loss of our real self, the solution is to assume responsibility and choose to live authentically: to become our real self." (pp 85) "Self-criticism" may be a thorn in our side, nit it is also one of the first things we can change to improve our self-esteem." (pp 96) "We attempt to control in order to avoid taking responsibility for our feelings, our actions, and the unmet needs that cause us unhappiness. We either adjust to others or think others should adjust to us. This is an unconscious, compulsive process that differs form acceptance, self-care, and healthy compromise, which are necessary in relationships." (pp 114)

Top notch reading. The most helpful book I have read on the subject of Codependency. Ms Lancer's writing style is clear and concise and her book is full of insights into the workings of the codependent mind. It has given me answers to questions I have had for most of my life and, in so doing, has brought about a lot of positive changes for me. I feel validated and understood and overwhelmingly relieved to learn that I'm not crazy after all. That there is rhyme and reason to the dark labyrinth of my mind. Ms Lancer's book shines a light on the path towards freeing ourselves from the dark places in our minds and all those self-defeating behaviours that trip us up and lead us back into the labyrinth of shame. I do not exaggerate when I say that this one book has taught me more about myself ... who I am and why ... and the ways in which shame has affected every aspect of my life than anything else I have read. It has given me hope and inspired a better future for myself. I thoroughly recommend this book to anyone who is genuinely interested in becoming the best version of yourself that you can be.

I have read about the concept of shame beforehand, however no-one has been able to describe the feeling of being unworthy as Darlene lancer does in this book. I really never catched what it realy was before this. Or didn’t dare to even touch on these feelings. I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me, but I’ve realized through this book and the exercises following, that other people has tried to force these feelings upon me, and it was such a relief to see the true reasons for these feelings. What I believe is Lancer’s main skill is her personal approach to the theme. So throughout the book one feels an understanding (that this is someone who has been through the same process), and from there it was easier to take the first step towards recovery. Growing up in a dysfunctional family where there has been lack of support and where I have felt that I have had to hide the real self, shame has been an underlying factor to why I feel bad. And I truly believe that this book has uncovered some of these patterns and will continue to do so. Personally I can recommend this book to everyone who feels unworthy in some way or the other, it is a real eye-opener!

Good book always a good one to read multiple times.

I began reading this book to learn more about codependency and how and why shame has taken a type of foothold in some of my behaviors. As an adult, I felt that somehow I was hard-wired to feelings that seemed to trigger and activate behaviors that I didn't understand. The following are just a few of the examples of what I mean: Why do I withdraw and sometimes even isolate whenever I am criticized? Why do I have a need to people please? Why do I hold back my own opinions, and even fear rejection, particularly around other men? I was usually confused about my identity and why I continued these behaviors! I browsed Darlene Lancer's book closely to observe the chapter titles, charts and basic flow. After all, I had noted her success with her book entitled "Codependency for Dummies" and liked her knowledge and depth of understanding codependency and also her writing style. My decision was to read the book slowly, carefully and in depth and work to answer the questions. I seriously hoped to progress with this process. To help me with this study, I purchased 6 copies, keeping one for myself. I gave two family members and 3 friends a copy and asked all 5 of them to join me reading, discussing and sharing as best we could. In this manner, I planned to not hold back on sharing so as to increase my opportunity for growth. As I read, worked and shared, I found a deep rooted shame based set of behaviors that I could understand. I knew my behaviors and used them to uncover the connections in my memories, as I examined my relationship triggers, related thoughts, feelings, and in particular defenses. My shame is deep rooted as I believe everyone's is, and Lancer's 8 steps outline a process for uncovering, sharing, letting go, rebuilding my self esteem and love for myself. I learned that I seemed to addicted to using my own shame based behaviors to survive and it negatively effected my relationships. Shame acts like a medicine to sedate my feelings, and to try and protect me form the reality of my true feelings. When I use it, it rewards me with a lack of intimacy and keeps me trapped into repeated the insanity of the behavior. Is this a powerful book? It is life changing!! Thank you Darlene Lancer!

This book has been an extraordinary help not only personally, but in my work as a mental/behavioral health therapist. It feels like the concepts Ms. Lancer outlines and explains in user-friendly language are a missing link in the modalities and techniques we learn as professionals. Clients are responding very positively to the concepts and information, and the questions at the end of each chapter and in the final chapter help enrich and inform sessions. I highly recommend this book for both self-exploration and to deepen your work if you are in the mental/behavioral health field!

I've been struggling to understand my behaviors for ages. Been in therapy multiple times. Same old issues and no clue how they came about or how to deal effectively with them, interact more beneficially with others. Shame! That's it! Well written, very useful information, deeply resonated with me. Now I understand how I got to be how I am, and how to accept myself, forgive myself, and improve my behavior issues. Very encouraging!

This book is published by Hazelden which has a very good reputation. I also have read previous material from this author and appreciated it. I greatly appreciated the discussion of shame as the complex issue that it is. Chapter 7 Sexual Shame can be greatly helpful when going through the list Aspects of Sexuality(pg 158) to help a person understand what issues they may connect to shame. The discussion of Sexual Addiction was very short and did include some truths that seem acceptable including that "sex can take on a compulsive quality"(p 176). The author discusses previous religious views of masturbation and how it has evolved to become more acceptable in today's society, but misses the possibility that there can be a downside to this acceptance. Many addicts of any issue do not realize their addiction until they are far down the destructive road when it starts to interfere with their life. This author states that the Sexual Shame chapter could be a whole book and I would like to challenge her to possibly write a book on this subject and talk to some groups such as SA and how they got to that place. Their are some that their growing need for masturbation and sex lead them into a deep, dark place. We hear "drink in moderation", etc., but where is a similar disclaimer for sexual issues? There is also an issue for addicts and even those who are not to transition from masturbation to having sexual relations with a real human being who they may want to spend the rest of their life with. This is a book that needs to be written.

Shame is a subject very close to my heart and is an ongoing journey for me. We all experience this strong emotion and it should be discussed more openly. How shame and co-dependency work together was truly insightful. A great read.

Con la lectura de este maravilloso libro, uno va descubriendo secretos de sí mismo que desconoce. No sólo eso, también muestra la autora cómo ir venciendo poco a poco los demonios que, en mayor o menor medida, todos llevaos dentro.

Honestly, this name should be called "Everyone must read me" because it touches on so many amazing human behaviours and personalities. I feel like I understand myself better and I feel like I understand others so much better too! 10/10 - highly recommend, not only if you want to make changes but if you want to see the world through a very clear, direct lense!

Strongly recommend this book . Introduces the self and relationship implications of shame and codependency. It is quite detailed in its description of the wide variety of symptoms and how to recover from them.

I recently found this brilliant book by Darlene Lancer and quickly realised it is probably the best 'self-help' book I have ever read, recommended or used (over a period of 40 years as a Psychologist). Both content and process are spot on and it is also a very readable and useful book. It covers the shame experience and escaping shame. On the practical side it sets out an 8 Steps to Free Your True Self. The Steps include 'Find Your True Self; Disarm Your Shame; Build Your Self-Esteem and Love Yourself.' Most if not all of us suffer shame during childhood and we continue to suffer 'Shame Attacks' as adults and these difficult early experiences and traumas blight our lives - sometime on a daily basis. This book is a reliable guide to understanding shame and codependency and how to bring about the changes necessary to find our true self and to live the life we truly deserve. Darlene explains the concrete steps we can all take to let go of shame and live a more fulfilled and zestful life. Whether you are a mental health practitioner or an individual looking to live a more fulfilling life this book can help you heal shame and codependency. I agree with Darlene that this is potentially one of the most liberating things you will ever do. This is a life changing book which everyone should read. This is likely to be the best money you have ever spent. Chartered Psychologist England