Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship

Forget the title. Like “listicles”, it seems that publishers believe that every sexuality book has to market itself this way or die. This book doesn’t teach about how to have “ridiculously good sex”. It’s not actually a how-to book, it’s a how-to-understand book—which is probably a better idea. Snyder takes his many years of experience working with couples and shares some very helpful ideas. I found many gems in this book, and I can recommend it as a good read that may be instrumental for many who struggle with repetitive sexual problems in their relationship or relationships. First, it must be noted (as the author himself states) that Snyder works mostly with cisgender, heterosexual couples, so even though there are one or two examples of queer couples in his book, it is largely a straight, cis lens. Having said this, many of his insights are intra-psychic as well as interpersonal, and as such, may be relatable across the queer-straight divide. Also of note is that Snyder is religious, and this comes through in his quotes as well as his values. For what it’s worth, I found him unpreachy, and I appreciated that the author reveals his faith early so that the reader can decide what may and may not be relevant to them. He also uses language and concepts that are relatable to many different expressions of spirituality. Now for the gems. I found many. Snyder has been in practice a long time—over 30 years. He has learned a lot, and passes it on to his readers. He begins by talking about the sexual self as well as sexual feelings, and how to care for them. He lays out some key pieces of the psychological end of arousal. He speaks of the sexual self—an interpretation of Avodah Offit’s work--as a less-than verbal, simple (but not easy) part of ourselves. Within this insight come many: • “If it feels like work, don’t do it. Sex should never feel like work, as you know.” • “You don’t have to return your partner to a state of quiescence every time they get excited.” • “It’s absolutely crucial that when you go looking for (erotic inspiration), that you first look within yourself.” If you’re reading this and find yourself critical of these insights, or if they seem simplistic, I encourage you to read them within the context of the book, where they make more sense and are placed in a much deeper frame of reference. I can’t do the richness of Snyder’s writing and thinking justice in this brief review. Snyder also discusses the deterioration of the Sensate Focus method to the point where it is now practiced in the opposite manner it was intended, due to decades of poor communication of the concept. He calls for a return to the original method, which made this sexologist take note to research this in greater depth. The author sets up a lot of great models for his couples: The Two-Step, the Simmer, arousal models. He also discusses what he calls “Sex Knots”—common conundrums couples become engaged in, and offers some simple fixes to try at the book’s end. He also has a great sense of humor. One of my favorite lines from the first chapter, “There are better ways of handling a ‘no.’ They all involve first resolving not to freak out.’” He calls a section on scent, “Of Sweaty T-Shirts and the Tops of Baby’s Heads.” It’s a fun read. But it’s also a deep read, because in the end, Snyder is prescribing a return not to sex per se, but to erotic life. He’s prescribing mindfulness, attention, playfulness, spirit, intimacy and joy, all in the not unreasonable hope that in becoming more erotically alive, the reader can also become more sexually alive. It’s not a “how-to” book. It’s a “why” and a “what” book. As such, it may actually live up to its title.

I really appreciate this introduction to sex therapy and best practices for emotionally grounded sex. The narrative of the work is centered around professional anecdotes from the author's work as a sex therapist in New York City. I found the author to be incredibly thoughtful and cautious in his language, which allowed him to present sex is a lot of unique ways that felt strangely familiar even though they don't really resemble the image of sex that we see in popular media. I read this book as a married gay man, and found that the book was broad enough to speak to my experience, and the notes on the sexual psychology of men also seemed to apply in certain instances to my own life. The author tells the story of two queer couples in the book, but in a way that captures how universal and non-specific sexual disconnection is to any orientation. This feels like a book for everyone, written with a deep sense of care and a very serious respect for sexual connection.

I'll admit, when I first picked up this book, I thought it was going to be cheesy and full of a bunch of "expert" advice that only works for a handful of people. I was truly and pleasantly surprised to find that this book is actually a great resource for couples, and not just in the fashion magazine "try these five great tricks to satisfy your spouse" kind of way. It was thoughtful, insightful, and really articulate on all kinds of issues that rear their heads in a relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. I usually avoid self-help type books because I feel like most of them are just an opportunity for the author to lay out their specially-designed plan, or technique, or philosophy on how to accomplish whatever. This is one of the few books I would actually recommend to others because it does a great job of showing the reader some common pitfalls in relationships (as seen from the perspective of a sex therapist) and some ways to deal with and overcome those pitfalls. Definitely worth a read by anyone who wants a stronger relationship with their spouse or more insight to their relationship dynamics. It's not just a book with a handful of sex tips.

Snyder's book is excellent. He has a great way of describing a sometimes a sensitive topic in a relaxed and conversational way. He starts by talking about how to come to terms with and understand your own sexual self. He relates the experiences of several clients working through a variety of situations and issues. He describes what Eros really is and how to pursue it in your relationship. In the last section, he talks about how to put together all of the concepts he describes within marriage.

Great book on maintaining a great relationship with your partner. I have recommended it to friends.

Very well written for common people to understand. Especially the approach to love making as an physical and emotional act rather than just physical. I'm glad I read this.

A really insightful book. So reassuring to see many happy couples like us, simply worn down by life. And needing to take action to reignite that side of things. Certainly not happening for lack of love!

Can’t put this book down. Easy to read. If your in long term relationship this book comes highly recommended So beautifully written. My husband and I have read it together. The author has great insight

Lettura consigliatissima a chiunque sia interessato alla psicologia delle relazioni sentimentali, ma anche al lettore medio. Il tono è informale e chiaro. I concetti presentati sono facilmente assimilabili anche grazie ai numerosi esempi pratici che l'autore presenta, costituiti da racconti di svariate coppie tratti dalla sua esperienza di terapista.