The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It

No counselor should be without this tool in their toolbox!! Neither should someone experiencing destructive/toxic relationships proceed through life without the clear defintions, guidance, and life-giving counsel this book offers! Leslie Vernick is a leading authority and personally-experienced voice for SEEING, STOPPING & SURVIVING downright ABUSIVE relationships! Her careful handling of the Scripture is most appreciated and was key for me, personally, to know that ending an abusive marriage would still qualify as "pleasing the Lord". The fact that she places so much value in every person as an image-bearer of God Himself offers excellent guidance as to where the priority of certain institutions (such as marriage, or honoring parents, etc.) can fall--particularly if people are seeking help through counseling! DO NOT BE MISLED--if there is one message that comes through LOUD & CLEAR, it's that ABUSE IS NOT A MARRIAGE PROBLEM, it is a PERSONAL SIN PROBLEM for the offending party, and THAT person is the one who needs individual counseling, appropriate boundaries put on the relationship, and defined consequences for breaking those boundaries in order to preserve the precious life God has given to the victim! LET'S STOP VICTIMIZING THE VICTIM again and again--which happens all too often in a counseling environment. Many folks in a counseling role, be it professional or friend, find themselves not only at a loss to help from a well-intentioned heart, but in a place that only adds to the harm already done, sadly!! THIS BOOK CAN PUT AN END TO COUNSELING HARM!! Dr. Vernick will give you the appropriate mindset and even questions to ask and counsel to offer, as well as a clearly-delineated path to healing. Much support can continue to be found by the many seminars, Facebook videos, and articles offered on www.leslievernick.com, but starting with THIS FOUNDATIONAL MATERIAL IS CRITICAL to saving lives, literally!!! There is even an appendix filled with helpful cautions for those who are placed in a helping role to someone experiencing an emotionally-destructive relationship. EVERY PASTOR & COUNSELOR should be reading this, since it is only a short time before you encounter someone struggling with this issue, if you aren't already! Please do not turn a blind eye to those women and men who feel trapped, endangered, and hopeless to ever break free! And, if you are someone who qualifies for such a description, READ THIS BOOK--it will literally SAVE YOUR LIFE, as it did mine!

A must read if you’re in a toxic relationship! There’s real, applicable help inside these pages. Leslie Vernick has so much wisdom and help to share for those searching!

The Lord changed my life through this book. Leslie Vernick pointed me to a deeper relationship with Jesus and to emotionally healthy choices every step of the way. I was able to gain perspective on the reality of the emotional abuse I'd been living through for so long. Realizing the truth of my situation and reaching out for help brought me to a place of being able to make bold decisions that ultimately led to redemption between me and my husband and our family. Now I always recommend this book when I encounter others who are dealing with abusive relationships. One reviewer felt like Vernick made him/her feel like he/she was the one with the issues. My experience was that I appreciated the opportunity to look inward for any places I was responding in unhealthy ways that were even contributing to escalating situations. And in one instance I was challenged to face the fears in my life. I never knew I had so, so many. I never knew fear was keeping me in such bondage everywhere, every day, in every relationship and situation. I truly believe that her encouragement to look at myself was a doorway to clearing away unhealthy responses and multitudes of fears so that the Lord could begin a deeper work of healing in my heart and mind BEFORE my husband EVER made a single effort to change. It was a powerful moment in my life when confidence and love replaced the fear. I can't say this book is a stand alone fix all, but it is filled with wisdom, empowerment to take healthy steps and make healthy choices without feeling guilty, encouragement to set boundaries for healthy relationships, and clarity about the reality of toxic relationships and why it's worth fighting for change because you are worth it. It also shows you how to invite the Lord into the whole process. As a side note my husband and I went to a counselor eventually. When nothing progressed and I was "done" our counselor gave this book to my husband to read. He did so and was cut to the core when he realized what he'd been doing to me. He came to me sincerely remorseful and asked my forgiveness. Though we still had a long road ahead it was a pivotal point when our marriage and family were rescued.

I absolutely devoured this book, Leslie is full of infinite wisdom and understanding. In trying to come to grips with difficult people and crazy-people and somehow understand them in order to help my own self-concepts in a proper light. I received so much enlightenment into the spirit of what transpired in many relationships I know that have gone bad. Many mistakes were made but even if the mistakes had not happened, I see those relationships were unhealthy and never had a chance of being healthy because of the closed spirits and hearts of those involved. Either love exists or it doesn't. If those who claim they love you are godless in their words and actions, playing vicious mind games of deception and control it becomes plain they do not possess any love. Without love, without honesty you can never have a healthy relationship, it is impossible. There is no relationship! As described in her book the following shares this very concept. Page 13 Proverbs says, With their words, the godless destroy their friends, and, "Telling lies about others is as harmful as hitting them with an ax, wounding them with a sword, or shooting then with a sharp arrow" (Proverbs 11:9; 25:18). Jesus takes the matter of verbal abuse quite seriously when he likens it to murder. (Matthew5;21) Many people suffer in relationships where offensive words and threatening gestures are the weapons of choice, used to manipulate, control, punish, and wound without leaving any physical evidence. Page 16 In the last part of this book I want you to know, really know, that God sees you and deeply loves you. When we have been beaten down by the words or actions of another, we feel broken and helpless, unlovely and unloveable. How wonderful that our healing does not depend upon the love or affirmation or apology of another person. We may never get those things. But our strength and healing will come as we are able to receive and believe God's love. I will end with this valuable message that God's love is the best healer for all that transpires and He has given us freely that love unconditionally that we can share it with those who we genuinely love! This book is phenominal! Great teachings... A must have...

This book has many practical tips in it. I think it helps to see relationships, especially close ones, in a more realistic light in many ways. I have some warnings however. We can get so caught up in how we feel that we get away from Scripture, although Scripture is mentioned in various places throughout the book. It is essential that we keep Scripture as our main source of knowledge and not see anyone's viewpoint even though backed up by experience and case studies as an alternative way of looking at situations. We have to be careful too that we don't ruin relationships by being too forthright in the expression of our feelings and beliefs about the relationship. I think the book could have had a better title which wouldn't make a relationship look so negative but I realize that Ms. Vernick wants to sell books and this title attracts readers. The title is not biblical.

I have read a few books on this subject, very good books, but something was missing. I still felt unsettled as to whether the advise lined up with the Bible. I am only half way through this book, but it is helping bring scripture into my crazy relationship (verbally abusive). It is helping me to sort out why I am treated so harshly and why God wouldn't want me to continue to endure a damaging relationship. This book is helping to strengthen me. I do know that no matter my decision to leave or to stay, God is with me. As I change and get stronger from reading this book, my husband may or may not change (that is his choice when if he ever realizes he has a problem), but I believe this book will give me the strength and clairity of mind to make whatever decision lies ahead. I do believe that you shouldn't just take the advise of an author, but learn from multiple sources, as well as scripture and prayer, and possibly someone that has experience with Verbal Abuse (when we have endured verbal abuse we tend to be easily persuaded so we have to be careful who we learn from). I look forward to the rest of this book, it is easy to read and hard to put down. I have spent many late nights trying to absorb all I can. I am confident that this book offers sound advise. I only wish that more church going people would learn from this book, rather that ignoring verbal abuse, or telling the women to smile and cater the the husband's wrong behavior. Which I have found only makes it worse later on in the relationship.

I can't even begin to explain how much I needed this book. A friend recommended it to me. It was literally life-changing. I read the book and realized just how poisonous my marriage was. How sick the relationship had become. How badly things needed to change. After reading the book I realized I could not go on the way I had been. After I read it I gave my husband a choice. He could read it too and we could attend marriage counseling and he could go for individual therapy, or we could get a divorce. He, fortunately, was willing to read the book and go for help. This book is an eye opener. It makes you face the things you want to hide from. The issues you instinctively want to make excuses for. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, get this book. I am proof it can change your life. I bought it in 2013. I am now happily married. My marriage is far from perfect, but it is a far far cry from what it was before this book came into our lives. Just keep in mind, it won't fix your marriage if your partner doesn't want help or doesn't want to change. In that case, it will help you do what you need to do to save your own sanity.

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The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick is a must for every Christian counselor and pastors to have read for every woman who comes for marritial counseling. For many years the Christian church has condemned women to stay in a marriage with an abusive husband with no recourse. I was one. However, in Mrs. Vernick's book there is an excellent Bible based explanation of things a woman can and should do to turn her marriage arround into the loving relationship that it was ment to be. She gives you step by step directions as what to do if things go wrong. She writes in a very easy to read manner where the most stressed out woman would be able to follow her Biblically endorsed instructions. I knew I had a very problematic marriage, but after I read her book I was able to make an exact diagnosis. I began to follow her steps and I have never felt so good after 28 years of an abusive marriage. She includes tests in her book as well other material and phone numbers that you can call for follow up resources.

This book was a first step in diagnosing what had gone wrong in my life. As such it was a God-send and enabled me to take other steps of understanding through other books. It's much needed in christian circles and stands out in terms of actually directly addressing the issues involved in this sort of relationship and what to do about it. It helped me understand the difference between isolated mistakes (which most christian books address) and situations which become abusive i.e patterns of this type of behaviour. It gave me permission to stop looking at ME as the source to saving my marriage and get real by finally focussing on the elephant in the room! It was the beginning of a process that lifted the confusion that had been part of my marriage for so many years. It was a refreshing change to most christian books that have an underlying message 'your marriage can be saved if only you'd pray/trust/fast/submit/be more creative/learn the love languages(!) more.' This can be damaging advice in abusive situations effectively perpetuating abusive patterns; the abused partner often doesn't 'get' that they are being abused and so keeps trying/praying harder when they really need to get out and get help. My only very MINOR criticism is that, as is often the case, the prose tends to lapse 'naturally' into bible verses which become a substitute for more practical help when so many of us out there are dealing in practical day-to-day issues that surround this type of person and the decisions that need to be made and reviewed. Also by this stage the abused partner (if christian) can be quite anti-God since the concept of God can be often inextricably linked with all the well-intentioned but legalistic efforts/failures. Finding God again seems to happen naturally after letting go of the voices of legalism. A great book for you if you are confused about whether or not you are in this sort of relationship / for those involved in pastoral counselling of couples. I've already bought other copies for those involved counselling / teaching because it is often the lost dimension of couples counselling (to the wife's detriment). To compliment to this book and to dig a little deeper into these issues i would highly recommend Lundy Bancrofts book, Why Does He Do that? (on the amazon site) which is brilliant.

this book is really worth reading. if you are in a relationship which you suspect might have abuse in it even though there is no physical violence then you need to get this book. it will give you a balanced view on the subject and help you to decide what action to take if any.

Great arrival of purchase. Amazing book. Gives you a filter to observe the relationships in your life.

Excellent book, full of wisdom and practical suggestions on how to identify a destructive relationship and then how to move through the pain and fear to resolution, and reclaim hope and meaning in life. Helpful for those who are counseling others experiencing complex relationships.