Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

"Stepmonster" is the most emancipating and liberating book that I have read in years! Wednesday Martin did a thorough research and put together some of the most phenomenal information and shares it so that you become liberated from the prison bars within and set free. She validates and vindicates so many questions that have plagued a stepmother and helps you realize what you have experienced is actually quite normal. The real life sharing from those interviewed were completely believable and oddly familiar. Absolutely life changing!After reading several books on the subject over the years I found myself devouring her knowledge and information that is deeply perceptive. She hits every area with precision and drives home the reality of what is involved. She addresses every issue head-on and makes no apologies about it. I can only say that "I Am So Blessed and Thankful that I Am Not a Stepmother." I was never allowed to be one and thus I have been spared so much of what I read about in this book. I will always be eternally grateful to those who did not allow me to be one thus saving me a lot of grief. Some profound parts of the book which literally had me dancing a new dance and are as follows. I hope you too will pick up her book and begin a journey of self-liberation and freedom unlike any other. It will change your life!Page 20 Although it's a disappointment, it's no real surprise that when wives of men with children and those children come together, regardless of good intentions, we are on a collision course of sorts.Page 40 The stepmother lives outside of time, at the interstice of fact and fiction, of myth and history, rendering them nearly indistinguishable.Page 64 Our stepchildren do not feel like our children. And so logically, inevitably many of us do not-cannot-feel maternal toward them. While we did indeed choose a man with children, it would be disingenuous for most of us) to pretend that we chose the children. We chose him, and they came on the side.Page 84 Failing to connect, failing to fix, in something women take to heart.Page 85 We need to allow ourselves to be less than all-loving all the time and to forgive ourselves for responding like human beings rather than saints to the par-for-the-course slights and oversights from our stepchildren that often feel deliberate. "I feel like, to succeed as a stepmother, you have to be either really assertive about not being stepped on or incredibly self-abnegating," a woman whose twenty-something stepdaughter veered from being prickly and standoffish to blatantly hostile told me?The author goes on and explains how to stop the cycle.....in this chapter.Page 99 The one part of this chapter was the most liberating of all....where she speaks of disengaging...Reading about disengaging made me realize that I often inadvertently carried much of my husbands pain and often tried to help with no success. I had no clue who these strangers were nor they me, therefore wrong assumptions and choices were made and failed. Just disengage....DISENGAGINGTo disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.*They are not your children.*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.Page 101 If you have stepchildren of any age, the most important person in your life is your husband. He is, quite simply, the person who in large part determines your happiness---or misery--in your step-situation. His actions and attitudes will dictate whether your quality of steplife will be extraordinarily stressful, basically tolerable, or even enjoyable, despite the inevitable difficulties and bumps along the way.Page 128 The downside is that adult stepchildren tend to hold their stepmothers responsible for their fathers' behavior, which they interpret as choice.Chapter 10 is a phenomenal chapter on adult stepchildren...As Wednesday explains that, "Many adults disavow the significance of getting a stepmother in their late teens, twenties, thirties, forties, and even fifties. "My dad married her when I was already out of the house, so it's not really relevant the whole stepmother thing to me" and "My siblings and I are adults, so it's pretty much a non-issue" were the frequent mantras of the adult stepchildren I spoke to. ......what puzzled me the most was that these complaints about stepmothers sounded on the surface rather petty, the types of things a grownup of goodwill might easily accommodate.Page 250 In a number of instances, I was taken by surprise by how "Stuck" many of the otherwise emotionally mature and high-functioning adults I interviewed seemed and the vehemence with which they sometimes expressed their disapproval of their fathers' union with, as one woman in her thirties put it, "Dad's wife, or whatever she is." I wanted to understand just what makes an adult child unable to feel close to a stepmother, and vice versa. Why do antagonisms persist between basically well-adjusted adults-adults who just so happen to be stepchildren and stepmothers and who are generally likeable in their own right?Page 251 Role ambiguity and adult stepchildren's continuing ambivalence, the sense - even if it is unacknowledged-- that accepting us would be a betrayal of Mother, that Father loving us is a betrayal of both Mother and them, can make matters more complicated still.

As a brand-new stepmom to a nine-year-old, this book is an absolute lifesaver. It helps to navigate the sudden shock of this role, helping me through the challenges of a smart-talking kid and a difficult biological mother.It is also incredibly heartfelt. It beautifully validates the quiet pain of trying so hard while feeling completely unappreciated.Best of all, it's a super easy read. If you are a new stepmom trying to survive the early stages of blending a family, buy this book immediately for the perfect mix of comfort and laughs.

This book has been a good read so far. I haven't finished it, I totally can relate to some of the chapters 100%. I thought I was going crazy and this book helped me to realize I'm not the only stepmother dealing with certain feelings or issues and that most of them are normal and I'm not crazy lol. Loyalty bond, jealousy,drama from both step-daughter and bio-mom has been a never ending story after 10 years and i was very nieve at one time into thinking we would be one big happy family. It's does mess with your mental health and I like how this book explains that and why. I love my husband and thankfully he always supports me but has not been easy. Give this book a try and Goodluck!! Lol 🙏

I sincerely wish I had read this book BEFORE I entered into a relationship which involved step-children, and I would highly recommend that for anyone facing such a situation. While I have an absolutely wonderful husband who is 100% supportive of me in every way possible, he has two children from a prior, 33-year long, marriage. His son is 25 and his daughter is 30. I personally expected that marrying someone with older children would not be wrought with periodic difficulties, but I was very wrong. Because I am the product of parents who divorced when I was 18 and my dad remarried a woman who is only 8 years older than I (16 years his junior) when I was 30, and we have an awesome relationship, I don't think I was prepared for anything otherwise, frankly--very naively so. I purchased the Stepmonster book after having been with my current husband for 3 years, married for the last 1 year, because of issues that I have had with with daughter since the onset. As soon as I started reading it I could "see" our situation far more clearly through a more objective lens. It has been very, very educational for both my husband and me, and its content certainly underscored the critical fact that OUR MARRIAGE must come first and that we must present as a unified husband/wife "team" for us to remain unscathed, faithful, strong, and resilient in the wake of a very entitlement-oriented, selfish, and still immature 30 year-old daughter whose alliance with her mother (the ex-wife) trumps caring about her father's happiness and his resultant disappointment with her chilly, superficial behaviors. Thankfully, my husband's son has embraced our union in a much more mature way, although it had started out a little rocky. One he learned that I had no intention of replacing his mother or being his mother, and that I have talents that are very different from his mother from which he can glean positive support as a young man, he has been a joy and his relationship with his dad is markedly better than it was prior to the split of his folks, which is great.I had read many of the reviews of the book prior to purchasing it and was taken by one of the male reader reviews who felt that the book was somewhat "husband bashing" or "male bashing" in its focus. Neither my husband nor I walked away perceiving that to be the case, but we can understand the reader's sensitivity to such. Bottom line: Step-parenting relationships are not easy and becoming educated on the dynamics of such in re-marriages is very important to sustained happiness. Because I am a Family Mediator with a Master's degree in Conflict Analysis and Resolution I felt that I was fully equipped to deal with the realities of step-parenting in a remarriage situation. While I believe I had some tools, those tools could only be used if the person with whom there is conflict is willing to acknowledge their contributions to the situation, which was not the case in this particular story. Thus, Stepmonster has helped me to preserve my self-esteem as a woman who was sinking into a serious depression because I couldn't "fix it" with the skills I have. I now understand why much better and my husband and I are a more united team in the wake of new and powerful knowledge. Thank you for this book, Dr. Martin!

Let me start off by saying that nothing has liberated me from my internal struggles with step-motherhood like this book has. It has allowed me to feel okay about how I feel. Before my marriage I knew I was going to need some good advice on step-mothering so I bought a book on it. (And many others since) Regrettably, it was not this book as it was not yet published. THIS is the book you need. This book was written by a stepmother, for stepmothers. A negative review of this book could only come from someone who has not experienced step-motherhood!Since many won't read this review in its entirety, I must get this out right now... If you are contemplating marriage to a man with children then let me share a secret that no one shared with me... There isn't anything fun about a step family, and to elaborate, there is nothing fun about being a stepmom. I thought that step-motherhood was a mission I could undertake and I thought my gain was going to be far greater than my loss. I assure you... I was wrong!! No one warned me AT ALL of what I was facing and I am straight up pissed off about that. Being a step-mother makes for a difficult, lonely life and it doesn't ever feel like a real family. So I hate to sound bitter here, but the fact is, I am bitter. Save yourself the heartache. This is not what marriage (or family) was intended to be. Read this book and take heed! If you are not moved to seriously reevaluate your decision to marry this man, then you are a hopeless optimist. You will, throughout your marriage, be able to relate to damn near every sentence in this book.Stepmonster - Even the title might scare you from reading it. Who would want to admit that they might be a Stepmonster? And you could certainly never let anyone see you reading this book. I bought this book instead of getting it from the library as I normally would to avoid the embarrassment and shame I would feel if the librarian might wonder if I were really a Stepmonster. I bought a book cover so I could read it in public places. And this book encompasses that reality in and of itself. I am of the fortunate step mothers who have 'good' step kids. And rarer yet: 'good, teenage, step-daughters'. Yet I still find myself feeling these step-monsterish feelings, which has lead me to feel horrible about myself and doubt the heart of what I know to be true...I am a good person.My best friend is a step mom also (thank goodness), and I told her 2 things about this book before I was even 3 chapters into it.1) Wednesday has been reading my journal. She has pegged my sentiments down to the quotation marks when I write about my 'family'.2) Outside of our honest communication with each other, reading this book is the most therapeutic thing I have experienced since becoming a step-mom. It is important to have other stepmothers to talk to because no one except another Stepmom can truly understand and surely never show sympathy or compassion for an evil (or not so evil) Stepmom.Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost.I still have genuine moments of admiration for his children. They really are good kids, with good hearts. The truth is that if they were not my step-kids I could be free to love them for the wonderful spirits they are. But their mere position in my life and mine in theirs creates a barrier to that flow and serves as a daily reminder that I did not come first and there is nothing that can change that reality...Ever!Bleak as it may be, I have found it to be 100% accurate. I felt validated at every turn of the page. By the end of the book I felt more human than monsterish, and that, my friend, hasn't been the case in over 5 years. Thank you, Wednesday, for that invaluable gift. Your book has allowed me to love me again!

I am a residential stepmother of 2 children(ages almost 12 & 11) now. (7&8 when I met them and we started living together) My husband's children see their mother every other weekend only all year around.While I feel this book touches a lot on part time stepmothering, it isn't to understate just how difficult being a residential stepmother is either.Generally, either way you're up against a lot.This book honestly is amazing and everyone should read it! It will free you from the chains of self-judgement and pressure to perform and leave you open to facing reality and ultimately embracing it for what it is.Even though I by all means am "mothering" my husband's kids(along with my mother in law and my husband) and feel we alone are raising these children as their mother is barely involved, the children do not see me as their parent and their dad's wife.I know this because they have told me this randomly.At first it hurt, but after reading this book I embrace this situation for what it is.The truth is, I am not their parent. The word stepmom and stepparent are just misnomers.This book has freed me from concentrating too much on my husband's children and has reminded me to keep my focus where it belongs-on my husband and our relationships (which is essentially the only reason I have stepkids to begin with!)Luckily, my husband is helpful but I do feel overwelmed with the amount of work it takes to raise his children-and with no title and little appreciation. I like to help my husband out though (but dont want to feel taken advantage of) and so I do it all for him and have stopped concerning myself with how the kids feel and wherher they like me or like me as much etc.This book made me feel luck to have the husband I have because he is also a fantastic dad and unlike some of these husbands.It's not easy to be married to someone with kids and I found this book to give a lot of understanding and solidarity which was super comforting.Also, as a stepdaughter myself (my dad's been married 3 times) I continue to be able to explore my feelings regarding his second wife and now his third and have realized I never dealt with my dad's second divorce to the woman I still refer to in conversation as "stepmom" even though she's not.This book has allowed me to begin to face things I didnt know I felt or put on the back burner as "no big deal".I would suggest this book for anyone who knows a stepmom, is a stepmom or is a stepchild.It's fantastic

"Stepmonster" is a book from the perspective of and about stepmothers. I should add in my disclaimer here. I was eleven when my father married my current stepmother, I am a divorced father with three daughters, sixteen, thirteen and eight, I am currently living with my fiancé (who has no children prior to our partnering), and she asked me to read this. I happily agreed to do so, since we attempt to do everything in our collective powers to make a wonderful home for all parties involved. My thirteen and eight year old daughters live one week with my fiancé and me and one week with their mother. My sixteen year old lives with her mother full time. Probably no need to explain the last comment. Oh, one final thing, my fiancé has not yet read this book. She was currently reading something else when we purchased it, and graciously waited for me to finish it first.I started this book with a blank agenda, no preset plan or ideas on what it would tell me. My fiancé is a school psychologist and we are very open in our relationship. About twenty five percent of the way through my reading, she asked me what I thought, and my response was this. The overriding theme of the book is simple. It is the father's fault. The irony is, I am not sure there was even a question in the book, but throughout every chapter there is only one thing in common, it is the father's fault. I laughed when I told her, but since I wasn't finished yet, I felt I should give the book the benefit of the doubt and see how it evolved. Sadly, at least for me, nothing changed.From men who cared very little about getting involved, to men who lived off of their wives income, all the way to men who basically told their new wives to mind their own business in regards to the children, these fathers all seemed more like horrible people than actual fathers in a new marriage. Other than a couple of passages where Dr. Wednesday Martin gives a few small accolades to some involved fathers, the men referenced in her book were a sad lot. My advice to the small sample she used for reference would be, forget about your issues with step-parenting and figure out how to pick out a decent husband. You might need a good dating service versus parental guidance because the guy you are with now, sounds like a loser.Sadly it seems that Dr. Martin used a pretty small sample size of white middle class American woman. She apparently attempted to gather some minority data, but that data was used from secondary sources. It just didn't seem like the book was an actual depiction of broader based American families, or if it was, there are some serious issues with the parenting and partnership skills of a lot of men in the world. This is not even mentioning chapter two of the book, "She's such a Witch", which tries to show how society historical has tortured and murdered stepmothers by using a real life example of a murder trial. The father wasn't even tried. I guess because we allow men to murder freely and only try mothers of step children. I couldn't really figure out why this chapter was even in the book.Speaking of, why was it in the book, the entire section on sociobiology was nothing more than the regurgitation of other studies. It didn't seem to be in the book to prove any of Dr. Martin's theories, but more filler to round out the book's size than anything else. As a father of three girls who is living with his fiancé, I feel the need to open up a dating service and do my best to help single women find a decent partner. Chapter after chapter, I truly felt sorry for the women in this book who were surveyed.OK, now that I have used up all of my negative energy, and I am sure lost most of the women audience, let me say that I think the book is absolutely worth reading. It does give several examples of actual situations that a person might find themselves in, even if it also gives a huge amount of exaggerated examples that I hope to god are not common. A specific one rang very true with me and my fiancé.My fiancé had expressed the displeasure with my eight year old pushing her out of the way. I discounted her theory, saying that I just didn't see it. I read a passage in "Stepmonster" where it describes this activity and discounted this as well, since everything else in the book did nothing but trash fathers. Seconds after setting down the book, I walked downstairs where my fiancé stood by the sink. I stood next to her, talking to her for about 30 seconds, when my eight year old came into the kitchen, pushed her way between us, edging my fiancé to the side. I smiled, told her that was not acceptable and apologized to my fiancé. Damn, nobody is perfect huh, and yes the book was correct.So "Stepmonster" absolutely does have some helpful information. I would only caution readers that in reality a household is filled with many personalities and everyone should work together to ensure each individuals concerns are met and dealt with. In the end there are two people, a husband and a wife. They are the ones who set the standards and both have to communicate and support each other above and beyond anything else. Failure to do that will cause issues, and as all parents know, children will sense this and definitely take advantage.So bottom line is three stars, but read with a grain of salt. If you start pointing a finger to stringently in one direction your anger and animosity might lead to the demise of the very thing you were trying to fix in the first place. Ok ladies, I am ready for my lashing now, but when you tire of beating me, and if your man resembles any of the men used as examples in this book, I do know a couple of wonderful single guys with kids who are amazing, compassionate, giving individuals. And I promise you they will communicate with you as a partner, while listening to your needs, ensuring you approach things as a team. Not with one party or the other pointing their finger and blaming.

The only step-parenting book that uses research to slay the mythological vlew: Great Step-parent = Loving unappreciated slave.PROS:I love that this isn't just another religious step-parent-as-martyr book., It sheds a very bright light on the realities, which helped my girlfriend and I switch to requiring respect for one another from our kids. We now openly clarify how important we are to each other whenever a natural opportunity arises--of course if feels very unnatural blurting it out, but it does stabilize things. It sure beats the dysfunction of the standard martyr vs manipulator relationship that quickly develops between well meaning step-parents (martyrs) and confused step-kids (manipulators) looking to control their environment.CONS:You have to overlook the single middle aged woman who just married a man who gets his kids every other weekend. These women are beset with crash parenting and are drowning in step-family life perspective that is often cited--unless of course you belong to that population. These women are not like us slow boiled frogs who have had lots of time to adjust. The author is from this group, and many of her interview subjects were also from this group. However, my girlfriend and I came to look at their (seemingly selfish from our perspective) experiences as part of the spice of the book. The author does not present her interviews as research, or the basis of the book per se. The researchers she sites both collide with and are compatible with different aspects of this populations' experiences. Many of the single stepmoms' complaints are just normal family life, but they haven't lived the gradual desensitization that comes from years of parenting starting with the all-nighters after childbirth. They just walk in expecting to be respected and valued like they are as professionals and mentors in their pre-step parent lives. This is not odd, when you think about it. But, it's a recipe for disaster.The author points out research that shows that couples who both bring kids to the mix, and who survive three years of step parenting actually have a far better shot at succeeding as long-term step parents and spouses. And she dives into this populations' experiences, too.This book will liberate you. Read it right now if you want to have a better day, week, month, year, of step parenting.BIG COMPLAINT ABOUT THE BOOK: It's not an audiobook. If it does go audio, I suggest finding a non-piercing-voiced pro reader :).What we're undertaking is monumental. Finally, there is a book that helps us know what to do, where almost all others have failed. Other great book: How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen--and it's on audio. Not the same subject, but it's a life saver. Good luck everyone.

Magnífico análisis de las situaciones, comportamientos y sentimientos asociados a la madrastridad, con recomendaciones para transformar y transitar una situación que cada vez es más habitual en nuestra sociedad pero sobre la que pesan enormes tabúes y condicionamientos. Toda madrastra debería leerlo.

As a sometimes bewildered stepmother, I found this book informative, fascinating and very helpful. It has changed my perspective.

Im a 24 year old woman with a 4 year old stepdaughter... I love her and she likes having me around... but every now and then there are some bad days in which her BM tries to remember her that I am NOT her mother so I shouldn't be loved... Those days I wonder why is it so hard to believe that I am no different from a close friend/relative. This book has everything that could possibly go through your mind when people just assume you are not worth knowing/loving.. just because you partnered a separated dad.

Pas mal.Moins sujet à controverse que ce que j’aurais pensé.Le titre laisse espérer un pavé dans la mare finalement ça sera une poignée de graviers.C’est bien aussi mais en dessous de mes espérances

Eu amei o livro, tenho pena das madrastas que não leem em inglês porque este livro salvou minha vida. Eu andava em um estado de depressão profunda, de incompatibilidade e isolamento total por causa da minha condição de ter "detestado ser madrasta" de não gostar da irmã dos meus filhos e de achar que eu era uma péssima pessoa que não se esforçou o suficiente. Toda madrasta deveria ler esse livro para entender que não estamos sozinhas, e que não é um tabu não gostar de uma criança que não é sua. E que não é porque não gostamos que estamos já pressupostas a fazer mal a alguém. Essa crença cultural é desconstruída pelo livro, que nos oferece uma visão crítica e uma pesquisa profunda na psicologia sobre essas mulheres que geralmente se encontram isoladas e sem apoio de seus companheiros quando se trata dos "filhos dele".