Love Together:: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication

"Lovers are very special people " as Barbara sings. If you are GLBT ,it should be obvious that this is a book you were destined to read---old ,young, single, married, not married, searching, bored, enthralled in ecstasy , decadent, saintly---at least alive. If you you are not a part of the tribe, but a part of the majority that has written the rules of civilization and has from that perspective lifted humanity to extraordinary heights ,you are called by the "unwritten "history revealing the heroic love of Gilgamesh and Enkindu ( before the common era) , the love of Jonathon and David with a love greater than the love of man for woman( see Samuel ) , Hadrian who turned Antinious ,because of love ,into a god in 111C.E. You are called to embrace the mystery of love that is greater than the mystery of death( Oscar Wilde:Salome/Richard Strauss). The listing of our tribe's contributions is entwined with yours even into the modern era . Same -sex desire is not a modern creation as I tried to suggest with the previous examples. As E. M. Forester , the great English novelist, wrote ," Connect, only connect." This is a book grounded in the present as are those of us embracing the forthright understandings of modernity. Tim Clausen ,surely in the admiration of Alfred Kinsey ,without the tremendous economic support of a brave University in Indiana and the gifts of the Rockefeller Foundation has echoed ,if not in extensive research , the spirit of deep insight of long lasting love relationships of male same-sex couples. He clearly must possess the skill of reassuring comfort to have such intimate , honest ,and moving answers to his questioning. These are love stories to open the eyes of the once unseeing. They are brave, unscrubbed,informative,and clear revelations into the intricate diversity of men who have pulled back the curtains on the love that once was proclaimed had no name. Our American Walt Whitman would sing a hymn of praise. Any welcoming Unitarian Universalist congregation, United Church of Christ, Reformed Jewish Synogog,or open and all embracing Luthern, Episcopalian, or Presbyterian church ( to mention a few) would do well to make this a shared congregational study. I also think the new Roman Catholic Pope would read it with profound interest and empathy. The worlds of faith and non- belief ,both ,would do well to embrace this inward look into loving and lasting relationships. I have not said that there would be a consensus on all approaches related, but all should open windows and fling open doors too long hidden from view. Ed and I have been in a long lasting, loving relationship ( 52 years in January 2015) , monogamous - if that comforts you. We have served the better good in public education, saw the horror of AIDS in the lives of those for whom we cared,marched on Washigton more than once,were part of the ACLU 's lawsuit for the right to marry in Illinois ,--- complete with a Video still on Utube (I believe ) under marriage in Illinois ( Ed and Gary)---have never missed voting as is a citizen's duty, have been contributing members of our spiritual denominations, married with our hearts ,rings ,and a kiss on the streets of San Francisco , married in Church in Canada, civil unioned in Illinois where we were later "finally "married legally in the eyes of our own nation ,suffered horrendous homophobic actions including slashed tires,firearm shots through windows of our cars and home, and insulting graffiti spray painted on our home for merely being two men living in the same home with a flower and vegetables garden in the back yard, lived under the constant threat of dismissal from our occupations for a whisper out of Lillian Hellman's "The Children's Hour",or Arthur Miller's "The Crucible". All this and we are still together and in love (at 77and 72) and we found this work resonated, illuminated, and enlightened our thinking. The work builds to a powerful conclusion, moving upward as the terms of endearment increase in time . More than my fellow gay men , I sincerely hope that the non-gay world embrasses this work ( I never said the work was handed down by God in perfection ,but it is sincere and an impressive first effort). Reading it will lift you with insight. and thereby assist one in understanding that same-sex love as all love will only strengthen what we call the institution of marriage with Equality , Liberty , Freedom , And Justice. Read, open your hearts, learn and be one with the exuberance of diversity that is our world.

I just finished “LOVE TOGETHER,” a book about gay male couples in long term relationships and found it exceptional. It's a compilation of 23 interviews with 21 gay male couples, culled from over 100 original interviews with couples together anywhere from ten to sixty-five years.The author posed a variety of questions to each of these couples on matters as simple as when they met, how they handle their finances, to the very personal; “do you still have sex”, “is your relationship open or monogamous.”He chose to introduce each couple in groups; beginning from couples together ten to twenty years to those couples together sixty to seventy years. This approach obviously brings out the most youthful responses first and progresses up through the most mature and experienced responses. It is very insightful and enlightening to learn how these couples nurture their relationships over the years. They each have their own formula for what works and what doesn’t, from family relationships to sexual arrangements.The book covers a long span of time from a period when many gay men thought they were the only ones on the planet like themselves, with no political, cultural, social, familial or religious support. These men came from an era of no role models, when gay people were literally classified as criminals and mentally ill. These older couples managed to navigate society's hostility towards them just for being who they were and managed to make a successful long-term relationship succeed, against all odds. This included being arrested in gay bar raids by police to going through the devastating AIDS epidemic. The youngest couples share what it is like to be able to plan their marriages and plan a family of their own.Some have said this is not a how-to book. I disagree. I believe it is indeed a how to book. I’ll quote one couple's comments:“So it’s been a journey. We recognize that for gay men in a gay relationship there really aren’t the role models out there, and we are creating these relationships that have never been sanctioned by society. A ‘normal” way of being in a gay relationship hasn’t been developed by our society, so we really just create the relationship as it works out best for us as we go along….”By contrast, straight couples not only have role models, they have all the cultural, societal, familial and religious support and backing to get them through the difficulties of developing a long term relationship.So now we have this wonderful book of love stories. Stories of how folks met, how they work out their living arrangements, handle finances, their sexual relations in an open or monogamous relationship, as well as how they deal with relationship conflicts, job changes and transfers, and the ultimate, how they confront dying, and losing one’s life companion. So yes, for me this book contains a lot of "how to’s." Each of these couples demonstrates how to make a long term relationship work.As a gay man in a long term relationship I would strongly recommend this book to young gay men hoping to not only find Mr. Right but to keep him for a good long time. I also feel this book will be very enlightening to parents of gay men and straight folks in general who want to better understand “GAY LOVE”. I believe straight readers will come away with an enlightened view of how gay men make long term relationships work.This is an excellent book, and I am grateful to Mr. Clausen for bringing this very important work to fruition. Had this book been available when I was a young struggling gay teen, it surely would have made my life experiences less of a struggle and more hopeful.

This book is gentle, funny, and deeply moving. I laughed, cried, and hated to reach the end of it. This collection of stories of gay love stories that span decades is such a gift to our community. This is definitely a book I will read over and over again for many years! I can't recommend this book highly enough!!