The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends

This book enabled me to help my daughter with ongoing issues when playing with other girls. Issues that weren't really quite bullying, though they sometimes seemed like it. They qualified more as "random meanness" that is just part of life. This book skillfully helped me figure out what my child might have been doing to contribute to the problems and gave concrete, practical advice on how to talk with her in order to help solve the problem. I used their idea of making index cards to discuss the different levels of friendship and how to behave with friends at those different levels. My daughter seemed to really have some "aha" moments. The best part was that later that week, we got together with a girl with whom my daughter has consistently had unequal power and who frequently treats my daughter like she doesn't really want to play with her. We reviewed some things just before the play date, and my daughter handled herself beautifully. It was amazing to see the other girl go from being befuddled by not getting her usual reactions from my daughter to actually treating her like a friend she enjoyed spending time with. My daughter later told me it was MUCH better.My daughter's ongoing struggles have been so upsetting for her and for me. I have felt so helpless at times. This book allowed me to be a real resource for my daughter, so much so that she mentioned some other things that she wants my advice about. I'm thrilled!

I have bought this book three times because I lend it to parents and don't get it back. It has been very helpful for me as an elementary teacher. You have those awkward kids who are off-putting to other kids and they and parents don't understand why. I've been able to gently suggest that their child might have some behaviors that are off-putting (great term I learned to use) and with a few easy to learn social skills, they're child might find it easier to build friendships. In these cases, I suggest a few of the skills from the book. Other times I've suggested and lent it to parents who are concerned that their child has a hard time making friends because they are too adult-like, too quiet or are the kind who pester kids. I've used it as well to help coach children in my 4th and 5th grade classes. Immediately applicable, easy to read and includes strengths for each type of behavior as well so it's not completely demoralizing for parents to read.

Overall, the book is well organized. It provides practical tips and exercises to teach children appropriate social behaviors. It can serve as a reference for all those good and bad social actions that a parent may not remember to discuss.It is a book written for "normal" and young children. The exercises seem to be directed to children younger than sixth grade. The book may be of some use to Asperger's children if they are elementary school aged, but beyond that, I doubt it would be of much value. For the record, I have an Asperger's son.The book is broken into sections based on personality types: The Vulnerable Child, The Different Drummer, The Little Adult, etc. This structure makes it possible to quickly identify where your child fits, primarily, and to focus on those behaviors first. Each section stands on its own, and thoroughly describes how that personality typically acts in social settings. Exercises are provided to assist you in teaching your child the rules for each section (personality). There are nine personality types explained, and if any are missing, I can't think of one.Parents of Asperger's children should not view this book as a primary resource. It is written for "normal kids who struggle to be accepted by their peers," as it states on page 8. The exercises may be helpful in some cases where the child can learn a cognitive method of behavior; however, there is no effort or attempt at addressing the underlying anxieties and thought processes that dictate the behaviors of an Aspie. Any cognitive efforts would have to be done at an early age. I find it highly unlikely that a middle-school or older Aspie would benefit much from this book.The disappointing part of the book is its maddeningly naïve approach to bullying. It promotes the same worthless approaches that have never worked, and excuses school systems' lack of action by stating that "these kinds of programs take time." I've been hearing about these programs for 13 years. How much more time will it take? Was I to tell my suicidal son that "these kinds of programs take time"?Education is the only industry allowed to say, "give us a few more years, and maybe then we'll have a good product." In corporate America, we lose jobs.Regardless, the book is well written, well organized, and highly worthwhile for normal children who are having trouble fitting in. I would recommend it.

I started reading this book yesterday and couldn't put it down. Based on the good reviews left here, I got the book hoping to get advice on how to help my son. He is definitely a different drummer, and as I read that chapter I felt "these ladies are describing my kid to a T!!" I feel like I have finally found a tool to help him and, equally importantly, I no longer feel alone or frustrated with him. Every chapter begins with questions about how your kid acts and how that behavior makes YOU feel as a parent. For years I wondered what was wrong with my son, why he behaves in a way that drives other kids away, and this of course has made me feel helpless and lonely as I watch other kids make friends easily and behave in a more "normal" manner. Thanks to this book, now I have some practical advice on what to do.Edited to add: After an extensive professional evaluation, my son displays many symptoms of ADHD, which explains some of the social struggles "different drummers" go through. I don't mean to say that all different drummers have or may have ADHD, but it can be one underlying cause of that behavior.

Good.

My daughter has been having trouble with friendships at school despite being a friendly, happy little soul. That is, until she gets to the school gates. The problem has escalated to the extend that she sees school as a hostile place where she only sees rejection and hurt from other children. Despite two very sociable parents and a houseful of friends we seemed unable to help her. I bought 4 books and this is by far the best for my needs. It splits characters into stereotypes, like Born Leader, The Shy Child, Different Drummer and not only outlines the strengths of these characters, but also what is likely to be out of sync with others. It teaches techniques for blending in and overlapping with other children. It actually gives you a tool to help your child instead of saying "Ignor them" or getting exasperated when your child acts hostile or unfriendly. It is a brilliant book to embrace your child's differences, to see how these can serve them and help them identify how their own behaviour can seem unfriendly.Simple rules like greeting people you know, noticing something about them, finding what is similar about about you both. These are things we can role play at home. It also teaches techniques to become friendly with a group of people as well as having one special friend.I like the fact it does not come across as particularly American, despite being written by two Americans. No American names like Marty, Todd of Chuck - and no references to a difference school system and hence social structure - like cheerleading and junior prom. In other words, it seemed relevant to our life.I was able to see a little of my child in several stereotypes and most importantly, I feel that by utilising this knowledge I can prepare her for going back to school after the holidays. I think I used to dread it as much as she did. For a child who is not odd, wierd or on on any spectrum, yet is clearly not getting social interraction right, this is the book for you. It has a very kind way of explaining things and a very supportive way in helping you find a solution together. A masterpiece in its approach to dealing with the issue. I can't tell you how relieved I am to have found this book.

Lots of good knowledge and ideas in this book.

Absolutely stunning insights into children who find friendship difficult. I originally bought this to help me understand my niece who finds making close friends hard - and, even after working in schools for over 25 years and having a family and nieces, nephews and close family friends' children around, I still found moments where, reading about a certain behaviour that had mystified me for years, I was suddenly thinking, 'But of course! That explains it. Why didn't I see that before?'I think this would probably be most use to parents and carers when a child wants to make friends but is too inexperienced to perceive how their own behaviour come across to others, rather than for a child whose behaviour is the result of some more severe internal disturbance but, having said that, for any child to be given the key to the joys and satisfactions of lasting friendships - of 'belonging' rather than just 'fitting in' - would save a mountain of minor griefs. There were certain of the case studies that reminded me exactly of some of my son's school mates and their unwittingly disastrous friendship choices, some of which still echo today when they're off at University.

It covers a lot of different reasons why children struggle to make and keep friends or even just to get by in a group, with chapters on children who are shy, intimidating, short-fused, vulnerable, little adults, pessimistic, domineering or just marching to their own drum. It offers lots of different suggestions to make it easier for them to manage their problems and get along with other children, with plenty of examples. It's nicely laid out and easy to read. Most children probably benefit from more than one chapter and the book recommends other chapters. It would be nice to have a version for children at secondary school age!